What am I Doing??

What am I doing....really?

I have been eating anything I want.  I keep getting fatter and fatter.  I am so discouraged.  I am disgusted with myself.  When am I going to get thinner?  What is it going to take for me to lose this weight?  Why do I keep doing this to myself.

I am done with the excuses, so I am not going to give into reasons why I am doing what I am doing.  Here is what I want.

I.  Want.  To.  Feel.  Normal.

I want to be able to walk past a mirror and not look away in disgust.

I want to feel comfortable in my clothes.

I want to wear clothes that are not from the Woman's section, or clothes that are a 2X.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy and feel good about myself.

It's nice to want things, right?  Wanting things is not going to make things happen.  Wishing for things is not going to make things happen.

Right now, I am not feeling good, or even ok, with myself.

I don't know what to do.  Do I change plans?  Do I stick with what I am doing now?  Do I go ask my doctor about gastric bypass surgery?  Do I join a gym?  Do I just go buy bigger clothes?

I don't know.

Hopefully I will figure it out soon.

Excuses, Excuses

Each Tuesday night for the past few weeks, I have been watching a show on TLC called my 600 Pound Life.  It goes through a year in the life of 600 pound people who have gastric bypass surgery because it is their last hope.  These people are very obese and have a very difficult time living.

Each week, I see them struggle.  I see them make excuses.  I see them eating things they shouldn't.  But the thing that scares me the most, is that I see myself in them.

I do not weigh 600 pounds, but I am obese.  I do have a lot of weight to lose.  What I do see is that I am making excuses like they are.  I can see them going to the drive through.  I hear them say it is hard to eat the good stuff because there are no healthy choices when traveling, working, etc.  I hear them say that they followed the plan and it is not working.

The plan is not the problem.  The plan will not work if you do not follow it and make excuses each time.

I have said that a million times.  I have said I am following the plan, working hard, and nothing is happening.  It is not working.

It is not the plan that is the problem.

It's me.

I am the one making excuses.  I am the one deciding what to eat.  No one else can.  I look at others and think, "Well, no wonder it worked for them...they don't have [ insert reason here]."  I can find a reason for anything....they don't have kids, their husband is home at night, they don't have to do this or that.

But really, what is the reason?  The true reason is that they did not make excuses for themselves.

They just did it.

I need to just do it already.  Food is not all it is cracked up to be.  The answer to happiness is not what I am eating.  My whole life, I made food into what it is.  I made it make me happy.  I made it be more that fuel to run my body.  I made it my friend, my reward for doing something, my excuse for anything.

It is time for me to wake up and stop making excuses.

STRESS!!!!

Last week was hard.

Really hard.

I had so much going on, it was crazy.  Absolutely crazy.

With the stress, my healthy eating went out the window.  I did my shakes for breakfast almost every day, but I did not hesitate to eat the carbs last week.  I am talking bagels, ice cream, pizza, chocolate.  You name it, I ate it!

I am not proud.  I am not happy with it, but I am refusing to let it continue.  I know I am an emotional eater.  I eat to help me feel better.  I really don't want to eat that way, but it is going to be a long journey to change those habits.

I am trying to make better choices.  I will get there, one day at a time.  Today I am taking it minute by minute.

I will get there.