Just Going to Do It

These last few weeks have been hard.  Very hard.

My family has gone through some changes with schedules.

A friend passed away very suddenly and unexpected last week (she was 48).

My daughter has been having friend drama at school.

My son is now in middle school, and we are having a difficult time transitioning into middle school life.

It has been a difficult few weeks/months.

Over the summer, my weight loss stopped.  I was yo-yoing back and forth being on plan, then being off.  I was not sticking to the plan for more than a few days at a time.  The good news is that my weight basically stayed the same....I didn't regain a ton!

I thought that being back at school would make things easier.  Well, take a look at what I wrote above.  Things were not easier....far from it, in fact.

I was in a bad place for a long time.  I thought about changing my plan.  I thought about giving myself a break.  I didn't even want to blog because I felt like a hypocrite.  One day I was motivated, then the next, I was not.  I made bad food choices, thinking it was easier to just do what others were doing.  I let myself get out of control.

Then something happened.  My friend's sister passed away.  She was at her son's track meet, and collapsed.  She had a brain aneurysm, and died the following day.  When something like that happens, you can't help but take a long hard look at your own life.  I know that I am unhappy with my weight (I have known that for years).  I know that I have been making excuses.  After much thought, soul searching, researching, questioning, and eating.....I just knew I needed to do something.  Last week I started looking into gastric surgery.  I was in a place where I just needed to do something, and a co-worker is having a gastric sleeve next week, so I asked her a bunch of questions.  I looked things up online.  I registered for an information seminar.  I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss this (among other things!).  As I was researching, I found that for the first few weeks, you can only have liquid....that means everything goes in a blender.  I also found that there are certain foods you should not have.  If you do, you could feel really sick...among other things.  The more I found out, the more I began to question.  If I can't make good choices now, will I be able to after this surgery?  I weigh a lot, but I am at the lower end of those who have this surgery.  I am not at optimal health, but I am not sick because of my weight right now (high blood pressure, sleep issues, diabetes, etc)

So, I decided on taking things one day at a time.  Starting last Thursday, I decided to stick to my plan for one day.  I did.  I made it the whole day.  Then I tried for Friday.  I made it.  I asked my coach for some tricks and tips for Halloween, and she said that there really aren't any tricks....you just have to do it.  So, Halloween came....I did not have even one piece of candy.  I made cauliflower pizza and ate all my MF foods!  When I woke up Sunday, I felt a change.

Something was different.  I was actually doing the plan.

Today is Friday....a week after I really first started (again).  I have lost about 4.5 pounds, and I can honestly say that I have not had one piece of candy.  I have stayed on my plan, and I have not been "sneaking" any bites or pieces of anything.  I don't know if I finally hit my bottom, but something clicked.  I began to think....I can do this!  I will live without the ______________.  It took me from January to finally actually do the program!  I just have to do it.  No tweeks, no tricks, no quick fixes.

How am I feeling now?  I am feeling in control.  Am I still stressed?  Absolutely!  But I am not going to eat a piece of pizza because it looks and smells really good and it would be a heck of a lot easier to eat the pizza than make something else.  Am I out of the woods?  Will I be on track forever?  I am not even going to say I am.  What I am going to do is take it one day at a time.  Tonight my kids want us to order pizza (It is Friday pizza night).  I KNOW that is going to be difficult for me.  My plan is to make sure all the pizza is ready and easy for them to get, give them one piece, then close the box.  If they want more, they can get it themselves.  I know I can make it through it, because I made it though looking at all the Halloween candy and not taking even one.

It is really hard to make good choices, but the more you do, the (slightly) easier it becomes.  Maybe there will be a day I can look at that pizza and say, "Wow!  That looks great....but I don't want any."

Maybe.

But until then, I am just going to do it.